Marriage,
Divorce, and Kids
by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC
It's been said that one of the problems that married
couples have today is that men tend to choose their wives the same
way they choose their cars or trucks.
They get the best one available and hope that there's
not much maintenance down the road.
While this may occasionally be true, there are certain
practices that married couples must follow in order to avoid adding
to a divorce rate that hovers around 50%. These are practices that
are essential not only for the success of their marriage, they are
essential for the well-being of our children.
In Maggie Gallagher's book, "The Abolition of
Marriage," she states that, "Half of all children will witness
the breakup of a parent's marriage. Of these, close to half will also
see the breakup of a parent's second marriage."
Can we possibly continue with a system that allows
half of our children to witness the breakup of their parent's marriage?
Is a divorce rate near 50% enough to have us consider new ideas about
how we decide about marriage and divorce?
One logical place to start is to educate people about
the qualities of a successful marriage.
We can't be effective when we educate them two months
before they marry. Emotional intelligence skills and relationship
skills must be taught to our young people early in life.
When we do teach them about successful relationships,
we should include these qualities:
1. Commitment-- According to one
definition, "commitment is a freely chosen inner resolve to follow
through with a course even though difficulty arises. How do we show
our children what to do when difficulty arises? Do we move to where
the grass is greener? Commitment is a daily discipline. It's the core
from which we respond to difficulty. It's what makes our lives richer
and deeper.
2. Emotional Awareness-- If we know
what's really bothering us, we can have effective and meaningful conversations
with our spouse. We can be genuine, honest, and open with each other.
And we can discover that much of the pain we feel in our relationship
is actually our past emotional history coming back to haunt us.
If you're planning on getting married, be aware of
what your emotional issues are. If you don't know what your issues
are, you may be the most likely candidate for a divorce down the road.
3. Be Kind, Not Right-- We tend to have a tremendous
stake in showing our loved ones that we're right. An enormous amount
of time is wasted in our relationships by arguing over who's right
or wrong.
This excessive arguing is just an indication of our
low self-esteem. A much easier and more effective way to be in a relationship
is to commit to kindness. When you're kind, you don't need to be right.
And it's much easier for others to be with you!
There certainly are both justifiable divorces and
"well-done" divorces that are respectful of the kids involved.
But the number of divorces involving childish and irresponsible decisions
based on self-interest is staggering.
Children deserve more than this. To allow a system
to continue that has half of our kids witnessing their parent's divorce
is to turn our backs on our most precious commodity.
It's time to consider alternatives. Let's look at
how we can spend more time educating and training young people about
relationship skills and emotional intelligence. Let's look at the
fact that in about 80% of the divorces in this country, only one of
the participants (usually the woman) wants to end the marriage. Can
we keep no-fault divorce as it is?
And most importantly, let's look at our own attitudes
about commitment and decide what we want to do.
Because the cost of not doing these things is beyond
measure.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach, speaker,
author, and workshop leader. He is the author of "Fix Your
Wife in 30 Days or Less" http://www.markbrandenburg.com/saveyourmarriage.htm.
Sign up for his free newsletter, "Dads Don't Fix Your Kids,"
at http://www.markbrandenburg.com
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