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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2012, 11:44 AM
*In*2*Win*'s Avatar
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Talking Start the day with a chuckle! Joke of the Day

My sister just sent me this knowing Im dieting.
Im still chuckling so thought I would share

WEIGHT LOSS

Warning about shampoo !!
Don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before!!!!!

I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole
body. Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME"

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dish Washing Liquid instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE"

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone...........I'm in the shower!


Bonnie

Last edited by *In*2*Win*; 05-28-2013 at 03:21 PM.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:55 AM
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To Funny!!!!
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Old 01-27-2012, 09:43 PM
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This is a LONG one, but so worth reading.
The first time I read it I was in tears with laughter when I finished.

Who is next to pass on a smile? Share your humor with us! Start the day with a chuckle!
Enjoy!

Texas Chili Contest
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by avonlady916 View Post
My sister just sent me this knowing Im dieting.
Im still chuckling so thought I would share

WEIGHT LOSS

Warning about shampoo !!
Don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before!!!!!

I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole
body. Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME"

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dish Washing Liquid instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE"

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone...........I'm in the shower!


Bonnie
LOL thats too funny. I got a chuckle out of that one. hehe I wish it could work that way. Heck, I even wish those seaweed wrap things could break down fat, too.
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Old 01-29-2012, 10:50 AM
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Default Sunday Chuckle (joke) of the day

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."



Last edited by *In*2*Win*; 01-29-2012 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 01-29-2012, 12:50 PM
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I'm laughing my booty off!
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Old 01-29-2012, 03:48 PM
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Haha Thanks for the laugh Bonnie!!
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Old 01-29-2012, 06:28 PM
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Laughter is the very best way to start a day off right!

Bonnie
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Old 01-30-2012, 10:23 AM
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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Happy Monday all!

Bonnie



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Old 01-30-2012, 10:28 AM
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Very funny.. lol
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