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  #621 (permalink)  
Old 07-27-2014, 01:40 PM
*In*2*Win*'s Avatar
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Lawyer VS. Insurance

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century. A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,: then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued .. and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
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  #622 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2014, 07:58 PM
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Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

-----

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5.

Good Luck,

Tech Support
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  #623 (permalink)  
Old 08-29-2014, 07:35 AM
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Be careful, if you unzip Boyfriend you'll find out it's a Trojan horse.
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  #624 (permalink)  
Old 08-29-2014, 09:35 AM
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HEHEHEHE
Great comment, hehe
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  #625 (permalink)  
Old 09-01-2014, 10:02 AM
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Compliment?

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
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  #626 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2014, 03:30 PM
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The Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all cried in an excited frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
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  #627 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2014, 08:05 PM
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I have a lawyer joke, but it might get me in trouble...so, instead I present to you all a joke about Pavlov.

Pavlov went to the local pub to drink a pint of beer. The phone rang. "DANG IT!" Pavlov yelled. "I forgot to feed the dogs."
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  #628 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2014, 10:05 AM
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Cool Kids Say the Darndest Things!

While babysitting my sister-in-law's 2 girls, one 7 years old the other 3 and a half months, the 7 year old was saying her nightly prayers. She says The Lord's Prayer, but just can't remember it completely. She knows the beginning alright, but seems to always get lost:
"...On Earth as it is in Heaven. And give us this day our daily bread." (small pause) "And please don't forget the peanut butter and jelly? Amen."

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  #629 (permalink)  
Old 09-16-2014, 02:38 PM
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There should be a like button...I am loving these jokes.
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  #630 (permalink)  
Old 09-17-2014, 04:59 AM
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Lol. You are hilarious. You made my day.
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