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  #121 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2012, 09:11 AM
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The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”


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  #122 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2012, 10:19 AM
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."
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  #123 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2012, 11:08 AM
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Wow, I should have checked these out earlier - they give you what you need most every day - a good laugh. Thanks for sharing.
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  #124 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2012, 05:25 AM
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Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.

The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive.

The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.

The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."

"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack.


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  #125 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2012, 08:23 PM
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Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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  #126 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2012, 09:48 AM
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Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job. “

Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.

“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”

“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete.

“All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”


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  #127 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2012, 12:10 PM
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This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time.

One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes".

The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”.

Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men.

Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked.

When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'


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  #128 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2012, 07:04 PM
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The Substitute Tooth Fairy

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary.

I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth.

If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

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  #129 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2012, 11:07 PM
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There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"


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  #130 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2012, 09:18 AM
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One day, an employee received an unusually large check.

She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

“How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!”


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