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  #101 (permalink)  
Old 03-21-2012, 10:49 AM
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His father sends a small boy to bed. Five

minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your

chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


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  #102 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2012, 09:23 AM
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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  #103 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2012, 02:12 PM
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Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.

She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.

The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”

The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”

“Yes I did”, the doctor answered.

She asks: “Class of 49?” “Yes I was”, was the answered.

The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”

The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”


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  #104 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2012, 09:01 PM
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Oh My Goodness!! I will have to come back to read the rest of these! I was laughing so hard at the chili joke I woke up the kids! oops
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  #105 (permalink)  
Old 03-22-2012, 10:33 PM
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The Chili joke is my personal favorite too

I read it the first time at work and laughed so hard I was crying!

Bonnie
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  #106 (permalink)  
Old 03-23-2012, 08:32 AM
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A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon.
The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt."

So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.

Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt."

They again battle the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy.

A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

.
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  #107 (permalink)  
Old 03-23-2012, 03:14 PM
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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'


'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'


Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'


The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.


'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'


The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?


'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'


'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'


If you see someone without a smile today Give them one of yours
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  #108 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2012, 09:11 AM
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A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"
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  #109 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2012, 10:22 PM
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."



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  #110 (permalink)  
Old 03-25-2012, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by avonlady916 View Post
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?

"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."





LOL!!!!!!! I like this one
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