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Old 01-18-2010, 03:57 PM
Joline86's Avatar
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Default Does your spouse look at porn?

I have been with my fiance for 7 years now. We have two beautiful daughters and a third child on the way. He recently got a flyer in the mail to sign up for Playboy and he was joking about sending it in because it was "such a good deal". I, being the laid back wife that I am, told him that I didn't care. I am now having second thoughts. I am worried that I am not as attractive as I used to be, especially now, and he never had any magazines before. Am I loosing it? Should I be worried? How do the rest of you ladies deal with this? Are you OK with your husband "looking"? Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
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Old 01-21-2010, 10:06 AM
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Do you actually think he wasn't really joking?
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Old 01-21-2010, 01:14 PM
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He mailed it in yesterday, so apparently he was not joking.
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Old 01-22-2010, 02:57 AM
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Awhile back I thought there was certainly nothing wrong with looking at porn, that all men did it and as long as it didn't get out of control (I.E. sneaking around to look at it, subcribing to sites, choosing porn and masturbation over their wife) it was "normal". Now, some people would say it's okay, but truthfully it is not. It is normal for us all to look at or notice other people we see out in the world everyday, but we aren't supposed to lust after anyone who isn't our spouse. It is disrespectful. It says little about how much he values you and your marriage. And don't let anyone tell you "he's just being a man" or that it is your fault because you aren't doing something right. You deserve his full attention, admiration and you alone should be the object of his desires. Have a heart to heart and tell him how disrespected and insecure his actions are making you feel. If he loves you he will not brush it off, he'll want to make you happy first and foremost and will cut away anything in his life that hurts you, his wife. He'll simply agree to stop, and he'll do it. If he can't do it, he might possibly have an addiction to porn, in which case he'll need help (seriously, you'll know if he has a real problem). If he totally brushes you off, tells you you are being ridiculous or anything of that nature, it may sound harsh, but I would say leave him! Even if it is just a temporary seperation. Tell him sternly that as long as pornographic material is in the house you won't be there, or that he can take his porn and go or throw it out and stay. He needs to be focused on your needs, especially emotionally, and especially now as you are pregnant. I'm sure you look beautiful, you are baring his child. For that alone he should show you the utmost respect. Whether or not you are looking very appealing to him and meeting his sexual needs is irrelevant right now, as this time is certainly not about him. He needs to realize that and be there for you. Period. I'll be praying for ya! Take care.
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Old 01-29-2010, 02:02 PM
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I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I know the opinions vary greatly on this topic, but I for one do not think it is okay or healthy for a husband (or wife) to use porn. Studies have shown that porn warps the person's view about the woman's body and can lead to infidelity down the road. I know many women are fine with their husband's using porn. Unfortunately, our society pushes porn through movies and various other media outlets, so people are flooded with unhealthy images ever single day. This doesn't make it okay. It just desensitizes us.

My husband had an issue with porn for years. Finally, he began to see that it was destroying our sex life and our marriage, and he certainly didn't want our children to grow up in that environment. Furthermore, he realized that porn objectifies women--and with two little girls, he began to realize that he didn't want to be a part of that any longer.

He chose on his own to seek counseling, and during the past two years has had much success. Our sex life has improved so, so much--partially because I feel more comfortable being with him (I'm not worried that he is comparing me to other naked women he has been looking at) and partially because he is allowing himself to experience REAL sex, not the fake kind with a fake women on the computer screen.

So people can tell me over and over again that there's nothing wrong with porn, and men *need* to have that outlet, but I will never believe it is the healthiest choice. For some men, it leads to needing more and more and more sexual gratification which in many cases leads to affairs. Why risk that?

I hope your finance can honor you and your daughters and the new baby on the way by making the right choice and choosing YOU too meet his sexual needs (or learning to cope in other ways if you are not available). By the way, I want you to know, that this issue is NOT your fault. You are not losing it! This is a common problem for men, but it is one for which they must take responsibility. You have a right to be hurt and ask him to change his ways....or seek help if he cannot do it on his own.
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Old 01-30-2010, 12:44 PM
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I have been married, happily, for almost 12 years. We have two amazing children, and my husband does not look at porn--not a deal breaker, but definitely crosses a line.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, and I echo what others have said...talk to him and let him know how hurtful this is. He should respect your feelings on this issue. I would think that with two daughters in the house and a third one on the way, he would not want this type of material anywhere near them...little ones have a way of finding things.

Saying a prayer for you! You take care of yourself, your girls, and that sweet baby that will be here soon. And if he does not want to give up the porn, I would also seek some outside counseling for both of you to get through this.




Melissa
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Old 02-04-2010, 04:52 PM
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Hi. I understand what you are going through but have you ever thought about looking at porn with him. Of course wait until your little ones are asleep like on the weekend or something. My husband watches porn every now and then and I will watch it with him. We don't have any tapes or anything that the kids would find. We order it on tv or whatever. Its better this way for us but its in a lot of moderation maybe once every two months or so. Just a suggestion.
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Old 02-05-2010, 10:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rachadelle View Post
Hi. I understand what you are going through but have you ever thought about looking at porn with him. Of course wait until your little ones are asleep like on the weekend or something. My husband watches porn every now and then and I will watch it with him. We don't have any tapes or anything that the kids would find. We order it on tv or whatever. Its better this way for us but its in a lot of moderation maybe once every two months or so. Just a suggestion.
I have absolutely no objections to porn. I will watch movies with him. The issue that I am having is that this is not "porn" in my sense of the word. There is no way that he could get ideas or learn new positions to try, in my eyes Playboy is just naked women. If he is looking at other naked women then he will fantasize about other naked women. I finally did talk to him about it and his reaction was that he would cancel the subscription. No questions asked. He completely understands and does not want me to feel upset or hurt. He really is a wonderful man. But I realized that I do not want to give him an ultimatum or tell him that he has to cancel it. I want him to feel that he can be open with me about sex and things that he wants, as I am open with him. I really believe that I am just hormonal right now and feeling uncomfortable with myself. I ask him if he fantasized about other women and he said no, that he only ever fantasizes about us and things that we have done together. I explained to him that I felt if he looked at these picture and saw these other women that he would then fantasize about them. I believe that I am trying too hard to understand the male mind. He says that he would not fantasize about them, but I do not think he understands what I feel is a fantasy. It doesn't have to be something that you think about all the time, it could just be a thought that crosses his mind when he looks. I have decided to let him get the magazines and see where it goes from there. I have been reading ALOT of information: other forums, psychology articles, reviews of Playboy, etc. and I am willing to look through the magazine to see how I feel about him looking at the same material. One of the reviews I read talked about how it was mostly full of articles and advice, and I think I may be able to see it as a man's version of Cosmo. After all he is not a porn addict, he doesn't hide anything from me, and I know more than anything else that he loves me and would not do anything that hurts me.
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Old 04-01-2010, 06:10 AM
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My second husband was addicted to porn....I say was because he is now my ex-husband....the porn led to him looking online for sex in swinger sites, dating ads for "just fun", etc. I got tired of constantly monitoring his habits and catching him before he cheated on me and gave me some disease that would leave my kids orphans....just my 2 cents.
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Old 04-01-2010, 08:00 AM
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I think the Playboy is vastly different from porn. When I think of porn I think of the videos a man pops in to masturbate too. When I think of Playboy I think of men looking knowing it's a woman they will never get so there is some intrigue there.

I agree that porn warps the mind of a man into thinking that is what sex should be like, or that is what intimacy should be like so I won't use it to give to my son as he gets older. However I do think porn has some good traits too when a couple watches it together to spice up their relationship or get some new ideas from it or use it as an opening to communication.

Instead of wondering why he is getting the Playboy, read it with him! There are fun quizzes and things in that magazine and it's not as dirty as it is made out to seem. Nakedness can be beautiful.

Julie
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