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MMShell
01-17-2011, 02:07 PM
I pose a question to all the parents out there because I was brought up to work for everything I had and with one major house rule.... At 18 if I was in school I could live home, but if I did not chose school I had to move out and get a job.

At 23 I have a beautiful stepdaughter who is on a wrong path.. Having stopped college after one year, had 5 car accidents and does not pay her bills on time...I am frustrated! It's the only issue my husband and I argue over...

I think it's time she moves on... She has a job, blows her money and doesn't her room clean, doesn't do what she is asked or told, coming home at 3 or 4am making noise, doesn't help out at home and well I could go on...

I love all my stepchildren as if they are my own and I know what my mom would have done long before 23.. Just curious as to what other parents might consider?


SuzanneL
01-17-2011, 03:03 PM
When I was growing up, my Dad always said "If you live in my house, you live by my rules." If we were in school, we could live there. If we weren't in school, then we had to work and pay rent. We did unless we wanted to have to move out.
My oldest son is in college and is also working. He is responsible, so I'm glad I don't have to force the issue of his moving out. If he was loud, uncaring and irresponsible, I wouldn't be able to have him live here. We have 2 other children that need to have a good example set for them and plus the disruptions would be nerve wracking.
My heart goes out to you for having to go thru this. It has got to be very painful for you and your husband. My opinion is : Either she straightens up or she is told to move out. That doesn't mean abandonment, I'm sure you would help her get settled. imho
Good Luck to you.

MMShell
01-18-2011, 11:16 AM
SuzanneL,

thanks for the reply... It is hard and as a stepmom that adds a little more difficulty.. My other stepchildren are out and doing well on their own.

I also think a person whether and adult or a child needs tough love sometimes and that's where I'm at. Her safety is first, however independence has to be taught because one day we won't be here to pick her up. We'll see.

I've been blessed with being able to raise my husbands children in the absence of their mother and have done what I believe was right... And also tried to show them healthy relationships are possible and most importantly be self sufficient because life throws curve balls and change will happen. Be ready and willing and able to stand on your own two feet.

Glad to hear your kids are doing great, keep it up! 3 out of 4 here are!! good odds right! LOL!


Tracidb80
02-07-2011, 03:12 PM
You probably deep down know the right answer, but I know it gets very frustrating when you are living in it and you are in a hard place as a stepmother.
My advice is to realize that you and your husband will only tolerate this for as long as you allow yourselves to. Your husband probably knows it is not right that she is in control.
The obvious answer is to turn her loose.
This is for you both to decide how long before you will finally do that and if it's worth turmoil in your marriage between now and when you are both fed up.

*In*2*Win*
02-07-2011, 06:59 PM
My house, My rules.
Dont like it.... Thats the door, your choice.

Growing up my mom told me at 17 (graduated early) go to school or get a job. The boys they pushed towards college... so I got a job. Paid rent (she charged me and would not let me move out as I was under 18 which I thought was SO unfair) and had to treat my room as I always had, neat and clean.

Got married at 18 and MOVED OUT
Still married to the same lovely man 38 years later :)

Set your rules. Then its HER choice not yours.
No guilt

SAHMwriter
02-08-2011, 01:48 AM
I don't think you should feel guilty about charging your 23-year-old daughter rent. It'll teach her not to blow her money and how to budget properly. If you're still guilty about it, you could save part of it, and after a year, give it back to her in the form of a down paymnet on a car, or books for school if she goes back. Then, explain to her how just a portion of every paycheck could be set aside like that. If I was in your shoes, I think I would put my foot down.

andr117
02-08-2011, 11:16 AM
I fully agree, a lady of that age should feel responsibility for life and people around her.
I left home at the age of 18 (I entered a university), that was the right decision, I understand it now, since I learnt lot living alone

kikivogel
04-10-2011, 09:26 AM
Each child is different and has their own course to follow in life.

My son moved out at 20 - he was ready and he's doing really well.

My daughter is 18 and wants to move out - but she isn't ready. She needs to be more responsible and figure out her finances. I think if she left now - she would only be back in a year or so and be worse off for it. She's book smart but doesn't always have the common sense in place.

Now if I felt they needed the push because they just kept making bad decisions - I would do that too. Sometimes tough love needs to come into play.

Kiki

hdavis77
04-21-2011, 07:19 PM
Hopefully when my kids leave for college they will stay on their own. However, if for some reason they have to come back home after graduating, I will give them 6 months to a year to get on their feet. And I don't care if they were 50 yrs old, If they are under my roof they still have to follow rules and do chores like they do now. And once they are grown, they have to get a job and pay their way.

kate.reber
04-30-2011, 11:26 AM
Rules are rules..

Do what is desirable.. If she don't want to follow the rules then let her move out of your house.

Be strict and implement your rules..

xpressmom
04-30-2011, 01:25 PM
I think that an age is not when to decide. If they are in school well of course you have to let them stay there, but they have to follow the house rules.

If they are able and is working then absolutely they need to help with the bills just as if they had there own place. If you do that usually they will save money so they can move out. Funny how they always think it would be better even though they will have to pay more money. It is a good lesson for them to see that nothing will be free for them.

81charduck
04-30-2011, 04:03 PM
In today's economy especially, I have no problem with adult children remaining in the home with their parents. HOWEVER, they should be contributing to the household expenses and taking part in housework, laundry, etc.

I don't think I could set an amount as to how much "rent" they should pay. It would vary. If the kid is in school full time, school & work, working a full time job, each would require - in my mind - a different amount.

I think that with adult children who are working full time and helping around the house, but they are still struggling, the family should sit down together and negotiate. Perhaps, instead of paying $$, the adult child could drive the younger kids to soccer, do the grocery shopping, basically barter. They provide a service, you provide a roof over their head.

getrichmom
05-03-2011, 05:43 AM
Interesting discussion. I have 4 boys and I never want them to leave. I always joke that Im gonna get some land and build 5 houses on it. On e for me and their dad and one apiece for each of them and dtheir families.

ParentingCoachLisa
05-04-2011, 02:55 PM
By college, I hope my kids would be able to stand on their own feet. As of now I'm trying hard to give the right guidelines for them to learn as they go on with their lives so that in the future they will not forget it, how it is important for the parents to mold their behaviors.

emilystar
05-07-2011, 05:44 PM
I think that is a really tough question- and I think it's largely dependent on the induvidual and the child.
I moved out when I was 18 to go to college out of town, but my younger brother lived with my parents for a few years after that rent free while going to community college. He has a severe learning disability, though, and really needed some extra time to get on his feet. That said, while he was living with my parents, he got good grades at the community college and worked part time.
If a child is capable but just irresponsible, I don't think one should enable him/her.

mocha
05-08-2011, 10:18 AM
I think that as long as she is contributing to the household and improving herself she could stay. This could be from finishing a vocational school, finishing college, and paying at least some of the utilities and food expenses with money earned from a job or business.She needs to be doing something to help her be independent.

Ultimatums to get out may push her to move in with a boyfriend or questionable friends. Moving out is good, but only when your head is screwed on straight and you can support yourself.

Normaables
05-09-2011, 11:36 PM
OMG How I feel for you, walk beside you and cry with you. I (we) have a 22 yo, 19 yo both boys and a 10 yo girl. All you know what broke loose 3 yrs and my husband kicked out out now 22 yo. He didn't want to get up and go to work, we had bought his car (it was in my husbands name) he got tickets for not keeping the plates on and we paid for that one, he lost his license for all his racing antics, dropped out of school when we couldnt do anything, what a mess. Today he lives across from his g/f (her dad don't believe they should live together) works construction, does side jobs on his on, makes excellant money, pays all his bills, she's the baby in the family so he keeps the gifts going, went back to school last year and managed a diploma plus work and now is working full time and going to college. My 19 yo decided to drop out, started smoking pot and we were informed by the law he had to be evicted if he wouldn't just get it together and go. So we had to go online and do the 1st set of eviction papers hoping that would scare him straight. He isn't at his 30 days yet but if he don't change things 'or' move I actually in the state of Ca have to have him served. You can't kick them at 11:59 the day before 18 and when they are 18 they have to be evicted & you can not enter their bedroom unless invited.

I don't feel sorry for any of her issues, I strongly feel sorry for your marriage. Mom no matter what is in the middle. Big hugs to you

Amy Jacobs
05-10-2011, 05:48 AM
Your house your Rules. Sounds to me your a pretty fair its not like your not picking on her. She is definitely old enough to clean her room for god sakes and come out at a decent time ..STAND YOUR GROUND!

rhpearson1
05-10-2011, 06:58 AM
I pose a question to all the parents out there because I was brought up to work for everything I had and with one major house rule.... At 18 if I was in school I could live home, but if I did not chose school I had to move out and get a job.

At 23 I have a beautiful stepdaughter who is on a wrong path.. Having stopped college after one year, had 5 car accidents and does not pay her bills on time...I am frustrated! It's the only issue my husband and I argue over...

I think it's time she moves on... She has a job, blows her money and doesn't her room clean, doesn't do what she is asked or told, coming home at 3 or 4am making noise, doesn't help out at home and well I could go on...

I love all my stepchildren as if they are my own and I know what my mom would have done long before 23.. Just curious as to what other parents might consider?

I think it's reasonable that you set guidelines for your adult children. Set the rules regardless of who might be living with you - that may make it less personal toward the daughter. For example, if anyone stays more than a month, they need to pay rent. If they don't pay rent or don't have the ability to pay rent, they should earn their way through chores and what not.

Once you and your hubby set the rules, give her a month or two to pull her act together. She sounds childlike so she'll probably have to rebel a little first. Then, if you're firm, she'll either pull herself together or she'll move out. Either way, you're in a better spot.



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