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You Know You Have Small Children When...


by Christine Louise Hohlbaum

We have no idea how our lives will change once we have children. Then, we have them. In case you haven't noticed, this may have happened to you, too.

You know you have small children when...

· You think five consecutive hours of sleep is a restful night;

· The pockets of every coat you own are filled with cereal;

· You use your sunglasses instead of a hair clip to keep your hair out of your eyes;

· You no longer carry cash in your wallet, but lots of Band-Aids;

· You have 911 saved in your speed dial;

· You get excited at the sight of heavy farm machinery (especially when it is bright yellow and makes lots and lots of noise);

· You find yourself singing "Wheels on the Bus" in the shower;

· You know where every bathroom is located in the stores you frequent;

· You think that eating a meal in one sitting (without ever getting up) is only something people do in the movies;

· You prefer to browse the toy section rather than the adult clothing department of any given superstore;

· Every window in the house that is below three feet has permanent grease marks;

· Even your new car smells like sour milk;

· Every pair of pants you own has a stain on the thighs from holding persons with very dirty sandbox feet;

· You think planning a date with your partner two weeks in advance is being spontaneous;

· You think staying up past 10 p.m. is way too late;

· You have replaced your 'completion complex' with a satisfied grin every time you manage to empty your dish washer within five attempts;

· You begin to view your friends as Disney characters;

· You never take a vacation without your in-laws;

· You actually do grow eyes in the back of your head;

· You find yourself speaking to your partner in short, breathy commands "Milk, now!" or "I want juuuuuuuuice!"

· You don't think you sound ridiculous when you say, "Little Johnny, stop licking the framed poster of Gustav Klimt's 'The Kiss'!"

· You dream of wiping, wiping, wiping;

· You never sniff the wash anymore to determine its level of dirtiness - if it found its way to the laundry room, you don't ask questions!

· You can't remember the PIN to your on-line checking account, but you can recite all the names of the seven dwarfs from Snow White;

· You start to wonder why friends and family don't visit as much any more and never, ever spend the night (they value their sleep, too!);

· You actually want to go to the zoo;

· Your heart is filled with the spontaneous display of love that bursts out of their little souls, wraps around your spirit, and takes you to heaven and back at any given moment in the day.

Christine Louise Hohlbaum, author of Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff, has been writing short stories since she was eleven years old. She is an American living near Munich, Germany with her husband and two children. Visit her web site at:

mail to: [email protected]

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