Private folder for spousal abuse ...

[luchsbuz]

What I learned about abuse while going to councilling for myself is that those who abuse are usually following a learned pattern from their childhood and were more than likely abused when they were young. I think they can change providing they are up front with their own feelings and are involved in Councilling.Abuse happens in cycles and is referred to the "Cycle of Violence." What this means is that if you were to keep track of when the violence happens (mark the calendar) in the beginning the violence is usually far apart and gradually over time the violent scenes happen closer and closer together. I thinkin the situation meantioned above where you involved the Police immediately, your boyfriend might have received the message "Don't mess with me." Some of us (and I speak for myself) did not involve the Police we kept believing we could change someone else which we know doesn't work. For myself, I would never take back the partner that abused me. When I left (after 8 years of running away and going back) I litterally had to start over. I will probably be verycarefuly for the rest of my life.

[Areona'sMOM]

Ladies if any of you are currently in an abusive relationship I am here to listen.I am very non judgemental .I was abused as a child and I know it isn't your fault and you actually believe that the only way to get out is for him to die but there are other ways.My stepfather was my perpatrader and also I have been a victim two other times so if you need an understanding ear that can offer nonjudgemental and self affirming talk just pm me.

[ms_joshica]

All I can say is I have been there. I have had a gun put to my head when I was pregnant with both my middle and my youngest by their biological dads no less so I really truly understand. It is a horrible and scary feeling, but when God sends someone in your life and heals you life really can be wonderful.

[Jolly]

He leaves before he loses control? I don't know what to think. Maybe he needs more counseling on coping skills and working things through. It sounds like he is really trying. I cannot giveyou advice.. just my reaction.

Originally Posted by Trini

I have a question for all who have been abused. Is it possible for someone to change their ways? I am with a boyfriend. We've been together for many years. He did it once(didn't hit me though)and I left him and called the cops on him. I even got a restraining order against him. We started talking again after the restraining order and he said he got help. Its been about a year now and I haven't seen any signs of the violence again. He gets mad but now leaves before he gets out of control. I just want to know if it is possible and I'm not just being blindsighted by my love.

[Trini]

There's times when he gets really angry,not often but it happens with certain topics we could be discussing. So even before he gets angry or when he feels like he just needs to calm down so we can further discuss he'll go for a walk or for a drive. He does want to get better and knows its an ongoing process and because of that I feel like things will be better b/w us.

[messyjess]

Originally Posted by Trini

There's times when he gets really angry,not often but it happens with certain topics we could be discussing. So even before he gets angry or when he feels like he just needs to calm down so we can further discuss he'll go for a walk or for a drive. He does want to get better and knows its an ongoing process and because of that I feel like things will be better b/w us.

I would just let him go and cool down. Guys handle certain situations differently than women do (at least, i think so...lol). I wouldn't give up hope on him, if you truly love him. I don't think males have as much patience as we do. [img]smileys/smiley36.gif[/img]Edited by: messyjess

[peacefullone]

I was abused se x uall y as a kid and have had a ruff marriage too. And now I get these feelings and thoughts that I just can't stand[img]smileys/smiley7.gif[/img] Kinda makes me feel like I'm going nuts. I love God and try to live rightly. So it's nice to group together with other women for support. Cheryl could you please let me in?





thanks





Holly

[nicesunglasses]

No excuss for abuse. Not even one time.

[Ilanne]

My father always told me that all guys are jerks, dogs, father-less-children, etc. Because I wasn't warned about the slick operators, I ended up in a mentally and sexually abusive relationship that brainwashed me so much, I'm not sure I will ever be able to get over it. It doesn't help that there were parts of that relationship that were just like my parents' relationship with each other. I'm joining to try and get some support from other women who've been there. My CLDH is beyond magnificent, but I'm afraid that I burden him sometimes.

[luchsbuz]

Hi Ilanne, it takes a long time to heal.After I left and was on my own, for 3 or 4 years I was still looking behind me, watching for that familiar truck that may be just around the corner. Eventually you heal enough to be able to get on with your life. One thing that I have found very helpful in healing is to write about the abuse. Go back to the beginning and try to write about as many incidents that you can remember. I did this and its interesting in the beginning in these types of relationships these people are complete lovable people etc. The abuse starts gradually, and increases over time.By writing about the abuse this helps to heal and you will be able to look at the abuse from a different angle and you will be able to recognize the signs when in future relationships. Hope this helps.