In Need Of A Change (Update: Not What I Thought)

[Tammy85]

I really hope I am putting this in the right place. :-/ I apologize this is long and slow-paced.

I mentioned last week how I do not have the motivation to write I used to, and I was told to take a break. So I did not write on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. However, I still do not have the motivation I used to. I went from writing 4 or 5 articles a day to only wanting to write 2 or 3 a day. The lack of motivation is a little scary because I know I have to write in order to be paid. I am still a little new to working from home, even though I have been writing for almost 2 years. I don't know much outside of freelance writing, at least nothing that could make me a weekly or monthly pay. I used to want to do freelance photography, it seems like something I would enjoy. But I never knew how to get into it and the pay for some websites seems so low for a download. Freelance writing online is not something I want to do full time right now, but like I said - I don't know much out of it that will surely pay me weekly or monthly (I can take a monthly pay so long as I know the money is coming).

I am helping my sister babysit, but the pay will not be enough to seriously scale back on my writing.

I am still working on Internet Marketing projects with my father, which I am excited to do. My only problem is, I cannot just stop writing completely because we are not ready to launch anything just yet. The thing that scares me about Internet Marketing is...there is no guarantee you will sell anything (I know, that's the wrong attitude to have). I know I have to be patient, I just worry a lot.

I keep thinking that I need some sort of change. Like I am just not as happy with writing like I used to be. It's a mixture of being burnt out, worrying about star ratings on websites (esp. Textbroker), lack of interesting titles for me (I still take them on, but eh). Plus I'm home all the time, Mon. through Fri. I used to substitute teach back in 2008, and I think I may need to do that again. Maybe a part of me misses working with children. I just want to do it 1-2 days a week (eventually 3 maybe). This way I still have time to do the work at home jobs, but I will still have a something different to do (out of the house) while still making a little money. Substitute teaching is the only day job working with children that is flexible enough for that (that I can think of). Plus I'm still getting my feet wet....again.

I was excited yesterday when I decided to go back into substitute teaching. But as the day went on, I began to feel more nervous and less excited. See, I am the type of person who worries a lot. So here's what has been running through my mind.

1. I have to be sure they will send me the substitute packet (I've been out of it for so long, I have to start over). I don't see why they wouldn't, but I still wonder if they will. I sent the email for the packet last night but I have not heard anything back. But I can always call by the end of the week.

2. Working from home screwed up my sleeping habits. Of course this is just something I will have to fix. It'd only be for a few days a week anyways, and this brings me to the next worry....

3. I have a fear of going places alone (I've been this way since I was a child). I did it back in 2008, but it's been so long that the fear has gotten worse. It's too a point where even my relatives think I have a phobia of it. There are two schools near me. One is a 2-5 minute walk from my home, and the other is a 10-15 minute walk. Guess which one does not need substitute teachers at this time? Yep, the closer one. So now when I get my substitute card, I have to go to the other school (which is where I subbed before). I could always take the bus, providing it will come on time. The bus stop is right in front of my house. I think this is the factor that worries me the most - getting there. I do not drive right now and the only people in my house that do drive work. I would like to try to decrease this fear --- as well as my constant worrying about everything. I haven't 100% been myself in the last week.

4. Of course I'm a little worried that I will not have many classes, and even once or twice a week may be a nice change (not the best pay, but yeah).

It sucks. When I'm online looking for articles to write on TB and other sites, I think "I need to get back into substitute teaching". That's how I feel right now. Then last night when I wasn't writing, I felt nervous about subbing again -and I hope I don't tonight. I want to be excited and be able to make the change, not worry and have it fall through. :-/ It's just a small change if it's only 1-2 days a week to start with, but it's still a big leap considering I've been working from home for almost 2 years now.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Advice -or just the chance to vent to others who work from home. I just need a change and right now, substituting is all I can come up with. I apologize that this was so long. I'm not quite sure what else to say lol. Thanks for listening!

-Tammy-

[ChrissieCole]

Hi, Tammy,

I understand much of what you wrote. Things that once made me happy no longer do. It's been a long hard year on a personal level and the result has been that it has affected my creativity. I used to love building sites and coming up with business ideas and these days my mind just doesn't seem interested.

The one thing that is helping me to figure out what I want to do from here is journaling. Have you heard of Morning Pages? Here is more about it: Morning Pages | Julia Cameron Live It might sound simple because hey, you are inside your own head. But I try to clear my mind before writing and often times I am surprised to find what I have written and didn't even realize how I was feeling about certain things. The mind is a complex thing...

Hope that helps. And just remember you are NOT alone. (Hugs)

[nury9462]

Chin up Tammy. I was stuck in that cituation many times. I stayed home for years raising my three kids and working real estate not stopping to think about what I'd do when they were grown. Really not prepared for a divorce after 22 years either. Now, 49, and with this economy.. work is hard!! Look at different options.. Make a list and then do a five star method of what you like best. Do some research. If you want to write.. don't just take a break from the writing take a BREAK break, know what I mean.. get out of the usual.. go to the mall, have coffee with a friend.. go to the park.. refresh and regroup.. something will come up.. you just gotta have faith!! Best wishes, Love!!
hope this helps!!

[Tammy85]

I am so sorry I haven't been here! What I dismissed as being burnt out seems to be much more; goes beyond writing I suppose. It's got as far as crying spells, constantly nervous, stress, etc. Not being able to shut my brain off. I've been lucky enough to have family & my best friends backing me up lately.

I definitely need to make some changes in my life, and I'm hoping to start on that ASAP. It may require scaling back on my writing a bit & taking a pay cut - but could be worth it in the end. I found myself weighing the options - making money or being happy? After being unhappy for almost a month now, I gotta go with being happy again; I wanna be ME again. It's hard to be motivated to write & such when you're on the couch crying. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm overreacting or over dramatic --- it got to a point where I felt guilty for feeling this way.

I mean of course I need to make money too, but I do need to scale back for the time being. This way the quality of my writing doesn't take a hit.

But yeah, my oldest brother made me make a list of everything I'm not happy with in my life, and told me to start changing it one by one. So that's what I'm gonna do! It's what I NEED to do. I think sometimes when I go too much into detail, I wind up jinxing myself. So for that reason, I'll keep my changes to myself for the time being. But as one change works out, I'll be happy to update you guys if you want! I guess just cross your fingers for me please? Thanks!

Thank you so much for the replies, I really appreciate it! Again, I'm sorry I haven't been on here to see them!

-Tammy-

[jahea]

Tammy I got burned out from writing and took some time off and it made me realize how much I really missed it and loved to write. I am fortunate that I can develop my writing skills on a part time basis. If you truly love to write taking some time off could be you best solution at this time. It allowed me to be more creative and passionate when I started up again.

Hope you find your answer.

[stayfitamy]

I understand where you are coming from as well. I have tried a bunch of different business online and nothing seemed to work. I thought I did everything I could do until I was approached by an acquaintance of mine from FB. He showed me an opportunity that was ground breaking and perhaps the timing was just right. I was in a lull and needed to be pulled out of a hole. He introduced me to a company called Nerium International and if you want you can take a look at the product. Nerium International | Real Science, Real Results

Anyhow, it turns out that I was never trained or mentored correctly on how to run network marketing business. Now with the help of an incredible group of people and constant support, I know I now have the tools to succeed. Also, read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson and take a look at this as well... Jeff Olson - The Last Run Club

Very moving and motivational! The change was needed and it came at the right time. It was time to shut one door and open another. contact me akypers@yahoo.com if you want to talk more.

[Tammy85]

Thanks for the links!

I still worry about money a little, but for now I gotta do what's right for ME. Being THIS unhappy for almost a whole month cannot be healthy. So I may have to scale back a little until I'm feeling better. I need to make some changes in my life if I want to feel like myself again.

I really appreciate the help from everyone, thanks!

-Tammy-

[annwe]

It really warms my heart to see such encouragement to others. I have been in dark places from which I never thought I would return, & I mean that literally. It took time, support (there were times I did not have that from a certain individual), believing & knowing that this too will pass. My situation now is hard. However, I have lived a long time, and I know things will change with time, with belief & me doing my part.

We care and our thoughts are with you.

[Tammy85]

Thanks to everyone! What I thought was burn-out and mood swings has turned out to be depression. My family could tell before I could. It got to the point where I got in touch with my younger sister and oldest brother (they live together) and my sis & her boyfriend came to get me. This was about two weeks ago. My Dad said when I left for my brother's that night - he knew. And he could tell when I was spending a lot of time in the bathroom (where I usually cry). I've never dealt with it before, so all I really know how to do is cry and vent. Yes I'm making changes, but those won't happen overnight. So until then - I still deal with the nerves, crying spells, lack of motivation, decreased appetite, feeling overwhelmed and so forth. Tuesday was especially bad, spent most of it crying.

I don't have health insurance, so seeing my doctor is out right now. I'm taking herbal pills, but I wasn't taking the full dosage until yesterday when my Dad found out. So now I am, but it may take days for it to kick in. :-/

I go to my brother's from Sun. - Tues. I have more space there. I don't drive and that's the schedule we came up with. My plan is try to do my writing there, since it's easier. I help babysit Wed. - Fri. for a small pay.

I have scaled back my writing a bit. I feel a little bad, like I'm irresponsible & lazy. And I'm scared the pay cut will bite me in the backside later. I don't have many bills & I basically support myself, but I also worry about everything. But at the same time, I feel as though this is what I have to do. I'm not happy. Dealing with this for a month straight, with crying spells almost daily for the last week and a half (including today), cannot be healthy. I have to focus on getting happy and healthy again, even if it means a pay cut for now (I'll still have something coming in, from writing & babysitting). I've survived on less before - and I was happier. I just gotta make sure to keep reminding myself of that.

My family and friends have been supporting me through this. And I thank you all for the support as well!

-Tammy-