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scarletteohtara
06-10-2011, 02:29 PM
Hey all,

For the past 5 years, I have worked from home very happily. This work has been very rewarding and I find it also flexible enough to still have a quality of life for my family that I never had working outside the home.

However, in the last year or so, things have been becoming increasingly challenging due to my adult son who lives with his Dad and I. My son, age 20, has emotional difficulties (temper) and to make a long story short, is struggling to find himself and get started in life. He has attended one semester of college and plans to go back in the fall, but needs to get his driver's license and save up money for a car now. He has a part time job at which he works 10-20 hours weekly tops. He also has a girlfriend, who we like, but she has troubles of her own.

While most of the time, my son does his own thing and we respect his privacy, the rest of the time he is demanding, confrontational and difficult to live with. Today, was one of those days and he was being very abusive verbally, using profanity towards both my husband and I. He even went so far as to call me " a fat lazy B---" and said I did not have a real job. He has said this to me before, although he knows I put in about 12 hour days and make a decent living to keep a roof over his head.

So, I decided since he is such a "big shot", he is going to start paying rent to live here with his Dad and I. We are not going to baby him any more, pay for his cell phone, or drive him around in our cars. Plus he is going to treat my husband and I with respect or we will ask him to move out so he can see what it's like out there in the real world.

I really don't know what else to do here as I am NOT putting up with this complete disrespect from my only child. In addition to calling my husband and I both vulgar names, he has gone so far as speaking disrespectfully in the background while I am on the phone with a client, even though I asked him nicely to be quiet. Luckily, I don't have to be on the phone much for the kind of work I do, but still it's the fact that he is that immature he would try to sabotage my business in that way. I have had to actually leave my own home in the past to meet with clients personally because my son was having one of his "bad" days.

Anyone else here with adult children still living at home? How do you cope with them and how old do you think is old enough to make them get out on their own, really? I can remember leaving home as soon as I graduated high school, but young people today seem like they can't handle this.

Yes, my son is an only child and maybe I tried to give him some of the things I didn't have growing up, but I have not given into his every whim or spoiled him. He will be the first one to tell others that we have been "terrible" parents because we didn't buy him a car at 16 like his other little rich friends' parents did, or that we don't live in a McMansion like other people in our community. But, oh yeah... we gave him a stable upbringing, spiritual and emotional nurturing, toys, video games, bikes, nice clothes, brand new shoes and coats to wear, a great education, counseling, went to every school event he was ever in, and he got every advantage that a young person needs to be a decent citizen. So why all the hate now?

Do you think making him pay rent ($25 weekly) is too much if he isn't doing anything else to contribute to our household in any way? He won't even cut the grass on our tiny yard once a week, remember to take out the trash or wash his own dishes. It's so upsetting, I am at my wits end here!

I would love to hear from some other parents of adult children here to see how things went for you. Any advice you care to give will help me to see this from others' perspectives..thanks!


carla_easley
06-10-2011, 02:43 PM
$25 Weekly is nothing compared to what your son would have to pay if he lived on is own in the "Real World". That's not even enough money for gas throughout the week. You are being way too kind. You should really sit and have a discussion with your husband about your son moving out on his own since he wants to disrespect you in your own home. He's grown and should be finding his own transportation to work even if it's a bus. I would recommend giving your son at least 4 months to find a full time job and seek his own apartment. There are plenty of son Craigslist who are seeking roommates to split the costs of living. At 20 years old, you should really start showing your son "tough love". If not, he'll be living in your home until he's 50.

scarletteohtara
06-13-2011, 12:32 PM
Thanks Carla - I agree with much of what you said here. Being the parent of an adult is way more challenging than I ever thought it would be. It would be a nightmare if my son lived with us past his 20's, for sure!


IAmSusan
08-10-2011, 12:25 PM
I don't have an adult child, but I've been one. :-D

So I can possibly offer a slightly different perspective.I grew up with not a lot in the way of material things, but a rock solid home with supportive parents. My parents encouraged me to take on anything I was interested in as long as I took responsibility for it (mom did not keep up with my practice/performance schedules) and as long as I finished out any promise (for example, I hated softball. HATED it. My self preservation says that when a projectile is hurtling at you from the sky, you RUN AWAY! LOL But I'd signed up and had to finish the season.)

At any rate, I understood from an early age that love and family meant many things, and that money and new clothes and the like were at the far lower end of the ladder. My parents never failed to maintain health insurance on us, despite the recession and unexpected layoffs. We never went hungry, even if we didn't always have what we really WANTED to have.

When I was of driving age, my dad never failed to keep my jalopy in oil changes and properly inflated tires and the like. And I know that these acts of sacrifice were acts of love and support and it tells me all I need to know about how my family feels about me.

When I went off to college on an academic scholarship, I wasn't expected to work. when I lazied myself out of it a couple of years later, I picked up a part time job that I held until I moved home and commuted to college. In summers I lived at home and worked a seasonal full time job at an ammunition plant (yes, and it was as hot and smelly as you imagine and my very fashionable 20 year old self recoiled at the steel toed shoe collection! Blah!)

At any rate, while I was home, it was understood that I was On Borrowed Time. If I quit school or my job or refused to help out around the house, I would have been told to get out, not to put too fine a point on it. But my parents weren't awful people by any means. And that attitude was no different than the expectation I'd always lived with. in my house, everyone was expected to contribute. Clearly no one would have booted me for pouting abotu chores when I was 5 or 8 or 15, but a 20 year old is a whole 'nother game! A 20 year old is a young adult. Whether they "feel like" taking responsibility or not is up to them and how much you enable them to get away with is up to you.

Had my parents let me rest on my laurels, I sure would have! LOL Who wouldn't? But the older I get, the more thankful I am for them, as I have always been very independent and self assured and I credit them for that.

In regards to rent, if your son refuses to mow the lawn or keep quiet out of courtesy while you work, what makes you think he'll pay you rent? What's going on there is so NOT about money and I don't know that adding money to the other issues will help your cause after all.

That's all I can offer, but I wish you all the luck in the world!

Susan




Hey all,

Yes, my son is an only child and maybe I tried to give him some of the things I didn't have growing up, but I have not given into his every whim or spoiled him. He will be the first one to tell others that we have been "terrible" parents because we didn't buy him a car at 16 like his other little rich friends' parents did, or that we don't live in a McMansion like other people in our community. But, oh yeah... we gave him a stable upbringing, spiritual and emotional nurturing, toys, video games, bikes, nice clothes, brand new shoes and coats to wear, a great education, counseling, went to every school event he was ever in, and he got every advantage that a young person needs to be a decent citizen. So why all the hate now?

Do you think making him pay rent ($25 weekly) is too much if he isn't doing anything else to contribute to our household in any way? He won't even cut the grass on our tiny yard once a week, remember to take out the trash or wash his own dishes. It's so upsetting, I am at my wits end here!

I would love to hear from some other parents of adult children here to see how things went for you. Any advice you care to give will help me to see this from others' perspectives..thanks!

ItsFreeFun
08-12-2011, 01:55 PM
It's been awhile since you posted the question and I hope things have turned around for you. I know your feeling all too well.

My adult daughter moved home with her baby for a few months last year. She rolled her eyes everytime I asked her to do the dishes etc and it was a constant battle... (for the record my other two kids are very responsible and nothing like this one).

She moved out after a few months and didn't even tell us she was leaving. I told her not to bother coming back.

She got into a spot and is back. If it weren't for the baby I would have told her no.

However, this time around, the dishes get done, the floors get vacuumed, the laundry gets done..all magically.. no asking, no eyerolling, etc. The only time she has had an 'attitude" was when we told her didn't get to stay up watching tv all night, she has to get up to take care of her baby and look for a job.

Tough love is right.... it's not always easy but it is best for you and your son.