WAHM Forums

I thought I would lighten the mood and maybe bring a smile to everyone's faces. I would love to hear your favorite joke. Please be sure to keep the jokes clean and no jokes that would offend anyone.

Here is one I found to get it started:



At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."...<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

For some reason, kids today are loving Chuck Norris one liners. One of the funniest I've seen is:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif

Cute... All I seem to hear is "yo mama" jokes lol

I like knock knock ones personally, hehehe.

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Lettuce.

Lettuce Who?

Let us in, it's cold out here!

ahahahahahhhaha

This was emailed to me earlier today from a friend. We are long distance friends now since I loved across the states but we still stay in touch so once a week we send back and forth random jokes we find online.


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Unfaithful Wives</span>

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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.



His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our
bed and they weren't mine."


His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."



Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.



"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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hahahahahaha

My MIL said my husband used to tell this one to everyone when he was about 5. It's cute when it comes from a kid!

What has 200 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper!

a hahah omg that one is hilarious! i think that's the funniest joke i've ever heard!

Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?



....Because he had noBODY to go with him!!

Ha haha!!!!!

Some of these are really bad!

But I LOVE them!

A horse walks into a tavern and sits down at the bar.
The bartender comes over and says, "Why the long face?"

What did Tigger see in the toilet?

Pooh!http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley1.gif

I really love computer jokes because I spend so much time on them.

<h4>Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some
difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer
support phone number we found in the manual.



I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.




He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.




"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"




"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
</h4>

Two snakes were crawling through a parking lot. One snake asked the other " Are we poisonous?" The other snake said " I don't know - why do you ask?" The first snake replied " because I just bit my lip!" http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gifEdited by: luvmyhubby

Alexi's joke is hilarious Posted: 07/August/2008 at 8:08pm smileys/smiley36.gifcheck it out! It's worth the read.Edited by: bobmayrand

I can recall several good ones...

If Adam and Eve had a phone when they were kicked out of the garden of Eden...what would their phone number have been?



Adam 8 1 2....

What is black and white and red all over?

http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley1.gif
An embarrased zebra...(new version of this oldie but goodie)

Best joke of the week!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose
given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to
call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then
one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning,
Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from
exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he
would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!

What is the moral of this story?Huh??



OH, Come on...take a guess!



Think about it............



(You're going to love this!)



Very simply, the moral is..................



YOU CAN'T KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE!!!!

LOL!

I love the jokes, guys! I'll add mine when I remember them. I can't seem to think of any right now coz I'm too distracted from laughing too much!

Leanna

How do you make anti freeze?

Take away her coat.

I got that one from the Dixie cups they had out in the late 70s, early 80s. Thats the only one I can remember.

Why do ducks fly south every winter?

Its to far to walk.

Knock, Knock jokes really are the best...

- Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

- Isabelle

Isabelle who?

-Isabelle necessary on a bicycle!?


They really knock me out!!! http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her."

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas smileys/smiley1.gif"

Merry Christmas!

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One dark night outside of Westlake,
a small town in Louisiana, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into
massive flames. </font>
</font>

The
alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
around.</font>

When
the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and
said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They must be saved!
I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out
intact.'</font>

But the roaring flames held the firefighters
off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the
situation became desperate. </font>

As the firemen arrived, the
president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the
fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as
another fire truck came into sight. It was the
nearbyHackberry Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company,
composed mainly of Cajuns over the age of 65.
</font>

To
everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine
roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were
parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it
drove straight into the middle of the
inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the
Hackberry old timers jumped off right in the middle of
the fire and fought it back on all sides.</font>


It was a performance and
effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Cajun old
timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the
secret formulas. </font>
</font>
The grateful chemical company president
announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the
reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each
of the brave fire fighters.

The local KPLC TV
news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking
the chief, 'What are you going to do with all that
money?'</font>

'Whall,' said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire
chief,
'Da first tingwe gonna did is fix dem
brakes on dat truck!'</font>

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Edited by: cheryl coldiron

Thanks for sharingyour joke Cheryl. How about a couple of funny romantic!? two line rhymes you can send those special someones in our lifes.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.
And last but not the least. My favorite:

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
(Hi Hi Hi!)

I love the look on peoples face when i say this one... Three men walked into a bar, the fourth one ducked.

Really funny. Your jokes make my day again. There's no other effective medicine that is free - jokes!

Why do fish like saltwater?
Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet cola. One blonde opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.


"'Only one calorie per can'," she read aloud.


"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"





http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley4.gif(I am blonde, or at least I used to be ... no offense intended!) LOL

~ Laurie

This is silly, but I have used it often:

"Why are the round bails of hay illegal in Florida?"

Because the cows don't get a square meal!

*A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"*
*The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."** http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif

Cute bob!

here's a good joke:
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."



____________
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here's a good joke:

blonde walks into a thrift store and asks the owner if she can buy this tv.
the owner says sorry we don't sell stuf to blondes. She goes hame dyes her hair brown. next day walks into same store ask the owner can i buy your tv.
owner says sorry we don't sell stuf to blondes. she goes home dyes her hair
red. next day goes back to the store and asks the owner if she can buy his tv.
The owner says i have already told you twice we don't sell stuf to blondes. So she is mad she says how do you keep knowing that it is me? the owner says that is not a tv it is a microwave.


_______________
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mobile security (http://www.gemalto.com/telecom/solutions/identity_management/wireless_pki.html)

Any wholesome jokes of course. No offensive please. I can't take making fun out of somebody.

What do you call a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked: "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200?"

Aghast, the man said, "Are you NUTS? That's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again: "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100."

Again, the man replies bluntly: "You must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy: "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much."

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?



....Because he had noBODY to go with him!!

Ha haha!!!!!

ha ha,,, that's kind of mine and looks like The Simpsons' joke =))))

I'm not good at telling jokes but my 5 year old loves to tell them. Here is his favorite:

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!smileys/smiley36.gif

Three strings are walking down the street.
One string says, "Hey, Let's go in to that bar and have a beer."
All three go in and ask the bartender for a beer to which he replies,
"We don't serve strings here. So get out!"
The three strings leave and look for another bar.
They find one and go in and ask the barkeep for a beer.
He says, "We do not serve strings in this bar. Now you must leave!"
Dishearted, they leave the bar.
As they walk down the street feeling rejected, the oldest string says,
"I'm going to get a beer one way or another!"
The other strings say, "Oh yeah? How are you going to do that? No one will serve strings."
He says, "Okay! Let's find another bar." Which they do. Then the string says, "Okay. Pick me up like this... twist me around like this... take my legs and spread them out like this... let me down and now watch this!"
The string walks in to the bar and sits down on a bar stool and says,
"Hey, Bartender! Bring me a beer."
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you one of those strings?"
To which the string replied, "I'm afraid not."
(a frayed knot) Get it?http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif

These posts have brightened my day... Thank you!!smileys/smiley17.gif

Love em!

I like this one:





Why is a woman's brain cheaper to buy than a man's?

Because it's actually been used!

LOL http://www.wahm.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif

Ha-ha-ha! Some of them are really very funny!

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

3 nuns walk into a bar...the fourth one ducks...

lol... the initial post was very cute.

I can't wait for my husband to get home so I can tell him Coby's joke. He's gonna love it and he'll probably steal it for his own.

This is simple but cute:

Who is bigger? Mr. Bigger or his little son?

ANS: His son. He is a little Bigger!

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

A Tibetan monk approaches a hot dog vendor in San Francisco and says, "Make me one with everything"




badampah