posted January 23, 2005 11:33 AM
I need some advice from you guys. I just recently found out that my husband is looking at gay porn on the web. He has even set up an email account with a couple of websites. He has gotten mail from men and has responded to them, saying that he is a rookie and he is interested in meeting someone to do it with.
We have been married for 15 years and the last two years have been hard financially because he hasn't worked. He decided to quit working and just recently started school and i'm supporting him.
What I'm asking for advice on is what would you do if you found your husband looking and corresponsing with other men? We get into fights because of him looking at the porn sites and he says his father always had that stuff around that it's no harm. That he's just looking, but from what I've found out he is coresponding with them now. In one of the emails that he sent this is what he said, that he absolutely adores women but is having strong curiouiosity to experience the other half.
What do you ladies think? What do you think I should do?
posted January 23, 2005 12:24 PM
I think cheating is cheating, whether it's with a man or a woman. If he wants to "experience" the other side I'd give him my permission but only if he wanted a divorce first.
If he is gay, neither one of you is doing the other a favor by continuing the marriage.
posted January 23, 2005 04:41 PM
I guess it depends on what you want out of this. I can't imagine throwing 15 years away, nor can I imagine laying down with him every night and wondering if he's finally gone from talking about meeting to actually meeting. Here's what I would do. Since he isn't paying the bills, I'd put an access code on the computer so he can't access these sights. Set up separate accounts and use parental controls. That's just me though. If he is going to do it I'm not going to pay for his access to it. What I can tell you is that I'm so sorry you're going through this. It has to be difficult for you. I can't imagine what you're thinking. Also the condoms aren't a bad idea. Hate to say it but it's true. I wish you the best.
posted January 23, 2005 05:21 PM
Whoa....that's a big problem there.
I'd come right out and tell him you know he's talking and asking to meet men. So what if he gets mad you "snoopped" as I'm sure he'll accuse you of doing that. But excuse me! He wants to have sex with another man?????????????? Sadly, this is where you are going to have to lay it on the line and give an ultimatum. But ask yourself first if you are willing to stick to it. First question: can you live with him being bi-sexual and knowing he's having sex with another man? Do you love him enough to run the risk of catching a disease should he catch one and give it to you? If not, then give that ultimatum. Really, I don't buy into that whole "I'm just experimenting" thing as in bi situation I think there has had to be feelings before this all starts. He could very well be bi or flat out gay. Nothing wrong with either of those (my sister in law is gay) but you are a married couple and any type of infidelity is wrong. If he says he wants to do this than you have to tell him to leave or you leave. If he's gay, he's gay but it's not fair to you for him to have the best of both worlds (a wife and a lover) when you're not in a happy marriage. Course, there are some couples who do this. If that's ok with you then you two need to discuss safe sex for him and what you will and will not accept; such as him bringing home his lovers or neglecting you for him.
posted January 23, 2005 08:16 PM
Okay, here's my opinion as a bisexual woman and the sister of a bisexual man. Your husband is bisexual (or a closeted 100% gay man). In and of itself, not a problem if he's honest.
Your husband is lying. He's meeting men, and more than likely, he's having sex and there's a good possibility he has an STD. He doesn't sound like he's socially responsible. (Sorry.) Personally, he wouldn't be touching me.
Blocking an adult from pornography doesn't solve the problem. Plus, he'll still have the desire. If he is bi, this doesn't mean he has to sleep around. Both my brother and I have NEVER cheated in any relationships. His behavior is nto acceptable. Give him a choice and make one for him if he refuses or lies again. Be kind, but stand firm. Keep your voice down and your standards high. You have my support in any decision you make.
posted January 24, 2005 07:16 AM
If you confront him about this he will probably say he will stop but in all truth he will probably keep doing it and just hiding it better. Looking at porn is one thing but a man who is married to a woman looking at gay porn is another and talking to them and trying to meet up with them is a whole other thing.
Try taking the computer out of this, If you found out that he was talking to a gay friend of yours and asking him to show him to experiment would you need to question whether it was wrong?
How strong is the love here, do you really need this guy in your life. He is not providing for you financially and if he starts turning to guys then he isnt going to provide for your emotional or physical needs either. Where does that leave you, in a marriage where your partner cant give you anything but a broken heart and a good dose of something. I think now would be a good time to get away from this and start a live where your needs are taken care of.
I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear and dont take my word for gold but this would be the decision I would come up with if I were in your place.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out ok.
posted January 24, 2005 08:26 AM
My mom's best friend's husband was doing this. But she never found out. Then one day, the police came to her door. He had been murdered by one of the guys he met online. They confiscated his computer, and that is how she found out her husband had been cheating, with men he met online. He treated her like a queen, and everyone loved this guy. She was shocked.
The thing is, not only is he cheating, but you don't know what else can happen.
You need to put yourself first in some situations. This is one of them. Yes, you shouldn't have been snooping. But he shouldn't be cheating in the first place.
Why did he quit work? How is he doing in school? Why can't he work part time like most guys do to help you? A lot of this might point to his coming to terms with himself.
posted February 22, 2005 10:26 AM
hello, my deapest simpathys for your sitsuation. I think that porn is very addicting and it jades you mind unbelievably. It starts with simple "normal" like porn and goes to this. I would get your husband off the porn entirely and seek counceling imediatly. This will either make or break you guys. And it is possible to get him into the same man he used to be. The porn has jaded him and he needs to look at this in perspective and realize that. Best wishes, I hope everything works out for you.
posted March 12, 2005 07:55 AM
I've just found out that my man looks at gay porn sites as well. We have been together 8 years with 3 beautiful children. Our sex life is wonderful so I thought and he says it everynight. So why is he looking at gay site? I need advice too.
posted March 12, 2005 08:14 AM
Unfortunately, this type of behavior is rampant especially in marriages. It is very selfish of him to engage in this type of behavior because it puts your marriage in jeopardy and his relationship with the children and he knows it. He's not being honest with himself and he's not being honest with you. He has developed overwhelming desires. He has already acted on his curiosity by looking at the porn. If he hasn't "connected" with a man, then it's only a matter of time before he does. Even though you've been married a long time you have to put your foot down and let him know this is not acceptable. He is defiling your marriage and your marriage bed. He is setting a terrible example for your children. And if he won't protect the children then you have to. If he is not "immediately" willing to stop (which I'm sure he is too far gone) GET OUT!! I hate to hear when people are in situations like this because it scars all those involved for life. Especially the kids. If you can even bear to have sex with him now..please use a condom. Get out quick!! Next thing you know..he'll be wearing your clothes.
posted March 12, 2005 08:26 AM
You are right! But I'm not the snooping type, so how can I tell him I know he's looking at gay porn sites? I was cleaning out my computer the other day and I saw a lot of porn sites and looked at them and found out the day and time. It was the day and time he was off work.
We have discussed others being gay and he always definately that it is unnatural. Is he lying to himself and to me or he just curious about looking at other mens privates? Whatever the case I will not stand for it with me. And also why do we have such a healthy sex life.
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