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Who’s been sleeping in my bed?
By Vicki Todd
Lucy! How did she end up in my bed?! As if it wasn’t crowded
enough with two kids, Big Blanket and Boo-Boo Barney Bear—and
now the dog, too? I think I’ll blame my parents: they let me
sleep with Gigi the toe-biting poodle when I was kid.
Lucy is no ordinary bed partner. Why? Because she is no ordinary
dog. I began to realize this when the mailman started to do
the Hail Mary pass with the packages so he doesn’t have to
come near the door. The lawn men run for cover like men in
combat when Lucy is outside. When I take her for a walk, dog-fearing
people cross to the other side of the street. To me, she looks
like a supermodel: tall and sleek and in need of a good meal.
Like a supermodel, she stands 5’11”on her hind legs and weights
100 lbs. How scary is that?
As a pup, Lucy had a fetish for Barbie legs and reindeers.
She managed to chew the legs off of 17 Barbies when I wasn’t
looking. My five-year-old girl would burst into hysteria upon
finding a Barbie with one leg dangling and big teeth marks
on her head. I did my best to console her by making special-needs
chairs for the Barbies so they would be able to sit. Ken had
no problem with the legless Barbies, since he lost his head
a while back. That’s not Lucy fault--the Ken-culprit is the
big brother, playing a bad prank on his sister.
I would have liked to capture Lucy’s reindeer feast on video
for the show, “Amazing Pet Tricks,” but I didn’t catch her
in the act. She managed to remove 42 paper mache reindeer from
the Christmas tree without tipping it over. After removing
the reindeers, she proceeded to bite off their heads. Barbie
legs and reindeer heads, quite a meal. Fortunately, she’s a
good dog, but that’s hard to explain to a five-year-old whose
legless Barbies are surrounded by 42 headless reindeer.
Lucy is a Great Dane, the gentle giant of dogs. Scooby Doo,
Marmaduke and Lucy all have something in common: they do as
they please. It’s not easy maneuvering a 100+ pound Dane around
when she doesn’t want to budge. However, she is no Scooby Doo--not
even Scooby Snacks entice this stubborn dog to obey. I have
tried my best to keep the small pony off the furniture: mousetraps,
balloons, newspaper, nothing deters her. I know that when I
leave the house she takes up her position and stretches out
from end to end on my leather sofa. How else do the pillows
magically end up on the floor everyday when I’m gone?
When Lucy’s not lounging on my sofa, I usually find her on
my daughter’s bed. Her single, pink, fluffy bed. The Long-Legged
One takes up the entire bed. My daughter’s only option is to
sleep on top of her. My son is convinced that it’s the fluffy,
pink comforter that lures Lucy, so he has asked me to make
him a duplicate fluffy, pink comforter for his bed!
After a full day of following me around giving me the head-nudges
to scratch her ears, I found the canine princess on forbidden
territory. My husband was out of town and the kids were tucked
in their own beds. I found her with her head nestled comfortably
on the pillow, of course. When I walked into my bedroom, she
raised her head, but didn’t bother to move. She obviously felt
it was her god-given right to be on my bed. I coaxed her with
a Scooby Snack to no avail. I gave in, figuring what’s the
harm? She can sleep with me tonight.
That night quickly turned into a week. I became accustomed
to spooning with a Dane. Our nightly ritual went something
like this: Lucy would wait for me to remove the comforter,
then she would put her front paws on the bed and wait for me
to lift her up. (I know I am crazy.) Then she’d slide under
the sheets and gently lay her head down on a pillow. It was
like having a man to cuddle with while my husband was out of
town, and I wasn’t cheating on him! She snored, but only a
little. When my husband came home from his week-long business
trip, he said: “You didn’t. You didn’t. COME ON VIK, YOU DIDN’T!”
“You let Lucy in the bed, you know you’ll never get her out!”
It seemed to bother him a lot more them me, but I was sympathetic
and made her get down. She slumped away, tugging at my heart.
The next night I was out late and came home to find my husband
fast asleep with his arm wrapped around a Dane. I quietly slipped
into bed, letting Lucy lay between us. The rest is history.
We put up with her puppy dreams, earth-shattering night visions
that cause her to kick her legs as if she is having a seizure
and make barking noises that wake-up the neighbors. Her favorite
position is on her back with her legs rigor mortis, pointing
up towards the sky. When the kids sneak into our bed, it can
get a little crowded. I confess, I have been known to meander
upstairs to find a bed all to myself, but usually we just have
one big family bed. I just pray that if my entire family goes
in their sleep, someone will come and get the dog out of the
bed before the neighbors see.
© 2003 Vicki Todd and The Rebel Housewife, LLC.
All Rights Reserved.
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