The Importance of the Father/Child Bond
By
Ron Huxley, LMFT
One of the most magical moments of my life was
being at the birth of my child. I wouldn't have missed
it for the world. I remember watching him squirm and cry as
he met the world. I remember how he paused to listen to my
voice as I whispered my love for him and commitment to him.
To this day, spending time with my kids continues to be one
of my favorite activities. To not spend time with my children
is unfathomable.
For many fathers, this isn't the case.
They sit in hospital waiting rooms, clapping each other on
the back
and congratulating one another on a job well done, while
their child enters the world without their father next to
them. The day after the delivery and every day after are
filled with missed opportunities to bond with their child
and influence the directions they will take in life. They
rationalize that they are sacrificing for their family by
working long hours and justify their emotional distance as
modeling how to survive in the cold, cruel world.
Food on the table and a roof over head is nice but nothing
makes up for loving, nurturing relationships with one's
father.
How do fathers build this bond? What barriers
stand in the way? And, what are some practical tools to help
fathers strengthen
their children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually,
and physically? To help me answer these questions, I asked
for advice from dads who have a close bond with
their children. How do I know they have a close bond? I asked
their wives!
How do you bond with your child?
In response to this question, all of the fathers answered
alike. They stated that the best way to bond was simply to
spend time with a child. What you do is not as important
as doing something.
They divided activities up into four main areas: Physical,
Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. A balance of these four
areas would result in a child having a happier, healthier
life. Physical activities are the most familiar to fathers
and include working around the house together, sharing a
hobby, coaching an athletic team, exercising together, and
going places together.
Intellectual activities focus on being involved in a child's
academics, participating in school related activities, encouraging
hard work, and modeling yourself as a their primary teacher
of life. Social activities centered on talking with children,
sharing feelings and thoughts, demonstrating appropriate
affection and manners, and getting to know your child's
friends. Spiritual activities are used the least by dads
but have the most power to influence a child. These activities
incorporate reading spiritual stories together, going to
church or the synagogue, praying with children, establishing
rules and order, being consistent and available, and exploring
the mysteries of nature.
What is difference between the father/child bond and the
mother/child bond?
It was quickly apparent from the surveys that
dads have a different approach or style to bonding than
moms.
Dads have a more rough and tumble approach to physical
interaction or may spend time in more physical activities
such as play or working on a project together. Competition
was also seen more in father/child bonding and was considered
healthy if used in small doses and with sensitivity to a
child's temperament and abilities. Sportsmanship,
but not necessary sports activities, was regarded as an essential
ingredient in the development of a child's characters.
While the approach may differ, the need for bonding with
mom and dad is equally significant. One dad joked that other
than a couple of biological differences (e.g., giving birth
or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more important
than the other.
What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond with
their child?
All of the fathers agreed that work and the
mismanagement of time were the biggest robbers of relationships
with children.
No one discounted a father's responsibility to provide
for his family, but all of them maintained that a healthy
balance is needed between work and family. They felt that
society makes it easy to use one's career as an escape.
Social influences tend to value the bond a child has with
mom to be more important than with dad. But none of the dads
questioned felt this barrier to be insurmountable.
Eliminating barriers in society begins in the
home. Dads must demonstrate that being involved in the home
is important
to them before society will start treating dads as important
to the home. Dads need to take the initiative to change a
diaper, clean up after dinner, give the kids their bath,
and do the laundry. The collective effect of these small
acts will ripple out into society to create a bigger
change.
Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a father
growing up?
The entire group affirmed that not having a
father would make it more difficult but not impossible to
bond with a
child. According to one dad, bonding is more of an innate
need or spiritual drive, than simply a learned behavior.
Therefore, fatherless fathers are not doomed to repeat their
own childhood experiences. Another dad suggested getting
excited by the little things that make a child excited
or happy. Getting down on the child's level, regressing
to those early moments in life when you were a child, and
sharing simple pleasures with your child will foster the
bonding missed the first time around.
In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and
a child is an important one. Barriers, such as social values
and absent fathers make bonding with children difficult but
not impossible. Children need the unique style of bonding
that fathers can provide and fathers can build that bond
by spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social,
and spiritual activities.
Ron Huxley is a licensed family therapist, author, speaker,
and father of four! Get more power tools for dad to build
up your family relationships today at http://parentingtoolbox.com or http://angertoolbox.com
